Style Conversational Week 1150: So many ways to say I Lov-ish You
The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over this week’s
contest and results
Invite phenom (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) mugs for the
camera as this week’s Meet the Parentheses Q&A, below. (family photo)
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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November 19, 2015
So many just-right slogans this week for our
new set of Style Invitational Loser Magnets for honorable mentions — we
clearly have enough workable ideas for years to come. In fact, Bob
Staake sent me sketches for seven different slogans, and I could have
happily gone with any of them. The new magnets are the latest in a
Staake collection dating back to 2004 (see them all in my Week 1146
Style Conversational column), and as in most
recent years, we have a horizontal and a vertical — just to challenge
the Refrigerator Mosaic skills of Losers-in-Volume.
A different company is printing them up for us this year — for a
compelling reason: Shortly after the slogan contest was announced four
weeks ago, an e-mail came to losers@washpost.com from a new person, a
Julianne Weiner. It contained a few slogans, followed by a note from
Julianne: She’s a longtime Invite fan, she said, and would love to have
her company, Sonic Promotions of Gaithersburg, Md., print the next round
of magnets for us. She’d even match whatever price we’d been paying. So
sure — but I did tell Julianne I’d have to throw out her entries for
this contest. (I never did look at them — for all I know, they
duplicated the winners.)
We just sent the designs to Julianne yesterday, so they probably won’t
be delivered for two weeks. SO: If you are one of the 30-odd (or 30 odd)
Losers who got ink this week, you may opt to wait for one of the new
magnets (e-mail me before Tuesday at pat.myers@washpost.com with
something obvious in the subject line). Otherwise I’ll send you one of
our last“The Wit Hit the Fan”
or “Hardly Har-Har”
magnets.
In addition, I still have a stack of magnets from past years, and at
least one extra of almost every design since 2004. If there’s a
particular one you’d like rather than a current one (or rather than your
“above-the-fold” prize), let me know.
And for tax purposes, we have recently raised the monetary value of a
Style Invitational Loser Magnet from 21 cents to $590,401. Because it is
certainly worth more thanthis.
It’s not just the fourth win for 150-time Loser Howard Walderman; it’s
his second slogan to be used for a Magnet; Howard also did
“Near-Do-Well”
back in 2006-07. (He also was one of those who offered “My Cup Punneth
Over” for the Loser Mug pictured in the photo above.) Howard just
regifted me about 60 magnets from past years, but I figure that he’ll
still want a “Jest Falling Short.”
“Magnet Dum Laude,” meanwhile, wins Rob Cohen his 41st ink or so (Keeper
of the Stats Elden Carnahan is touring Australia and New Zealand and
might not have updated them for a couple of weeks); Kevin Dopart scores
his 25,378th ink (or so it seems) with his better-for-locals “Dork
Losing” (Washington’s Metrorail cars will close right on your arms, and
so instead of preventing that, there’s a recorded warning). But it’s the
first ink “above the fold,” and just the third overall, for Nancy Della
Rovere. Welcome to the Losers’ Circle, Nancy.
We’ve run several clever slogans even though they’re not actually good
choices for magnets: One of my favorites from the 2001 contest was
“Losing: My Religion,” by Mark Raffman; feel free to think what piece of
blasphemy Bob would have drawn up for that one (don’t feel free to tell
everyone). This year’s “Scratching My Jocular Itch” and an Indian-themed
“Mini Haha” would not be something we’d run right above the Washington
Post masthead.
*What Doug Dug: * In addition to this week’s winner, ace copy editor
Doug Norwood also especially liked Nan Reiner’s “I’m So-So Special,”
Danielle Nowlin’s and Frank Mann’s “Better Yuk Next Time,” and
George-Ann Rosenberg’s “Nearly Beloved.”
*THE LOWER-THAN-LOWEST FORM OF WIT: THIS WEEK’S NEW CONTEST *
And by that, I mean punning on someone’s name. But yea, verily, we will
surely exalt it! Or at least get a few yuks out of it. Week 1150
is a straightforward contest, especially to
readers familiar with the Invite’s long tradition of change-one-letter
challlenges. While this contest may be the only change-a-letter
restricted to people’s names, we did do a broader contest that included
names way back in Week 19, in 1993. (Scroll down past the Week 22
contest tosee the results
,,
which include “Hillary Rodham Clingon,” “George Tush” and”Arsenic
Hall,”) There are also, no doubt, some people’s names sprinkled
throughout our numerous generic change-a-letter contests. Fortunately,
you all have many people’s names to choose from — and even if you
accidentally use the same pun that’s already gotten ink, you’ll probably
have a considerably different description.
Dang — it occurred to me too late that I ought to have used Week 1150
for a contest with a Washington Post theme, given that — until Dec. 10 —
our headquarters are at 1150 15th St. NW. Not a problem, though: We just
have to hold on till Week 1301 (K St). Three years — hang in there.
We had ink today for both Mark Raffman (of at least 270 blots of ink)
and his wife, Claudia (of at least 2). But the Invite isn’t their only
brush with WaPo immortality, I’ve learned: They were also both featured
in a 1998 article
as regular participants in an annual themed potluck/cooking contest; I
wasn’t surprised that, for a dish required to “knock ’em dead,” Mark
produced “Attack Dogs,” pigs-in-a-blanket with habenero jelly hidden
inside the pastry dough.
*MEET THE PARENTHESES: (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *
** /Most Style Invitational Losers, including some of the best, started
off with a blot of ink here and there as they entered a series of
contests; some of them became more and more successful over the years as
they caught on to what we’re looking for and hone their craft of
Invite-writing. Then there’s Danielle Nowlin. Danielle got ink on her
first try, three years ago this month; then some more a few weeks later,
and within three months was getting big splashes of ink practically
every week. And at the Losers’ own Flushies awards in the spring of
2014, Danielle inevitably ended up with the plaques for both Rookie of
the Year and — as the youngest ever (age 32) — Loser of the Year. /
/And that very day — just as we all were marveling at Danielle’s smarts
— she said something that made us wonder if we’d been terribly mistaken.
Danielle came up to me in the hotel banquet room, with husband Ryan as a
witness (as was, unbeknownst to us, a future third Nowlin child), and
said, “Next year, we could have the Flushies at our new house.” This
past June, more than 50 of us enjoyed arguably the best Flushies ever
(and there have been 20), and certainly the one with the friendliest
atmosphere. /
/As have our Meet the Parentheses volunteers of past weeks, Danielle
followed a Q&A template I offered, with some alterations. /
*Danielle Nowlin, age 34*
*/Where you live:/ * (Fairfax Station, Va.) most weeks. Occasionally in
my credit line, the Empress sends me back to my previous home in
(Woodbridge, Va.), where I started writing for the Invite. I left
because (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) lives there and the town wasn’t big
enough for the two of us.
*/Your Loser anagram:/ * My official Loser Anagram, or “Granola Smear,”
in theLoser Stats is “Nailed Linen Owl,” though my
name anagrams to lots of fun things (e.g., “Ill-Won Alien Den”). The
best possible anagram of my name, however, was pointed out to me when I
joined the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook
page: “All-New Online ID.”
/*What do people who’ve never heard of the Invite know you as? * /In my
house, people who have never heard of the Invite know me as Mommy.
Actually two of them know me as Mommy and the third knows me as Dada,
but he has a limited vocabulary. Before these little people showed up
and started calling me names, I taught middle school band and orchestra
in public school. I chose to be a music teacher because why teach
roomfuls of middle school students when you can teach roomfuls of middle
school students equipped with noisemakers? [One of the best moments of
the Flushies was when Danielle picked up our Loseaphone, a “horn” that
wasn’t much more than a plastic tube with a funnel on the end, and
trumpeted out a fanfare. — The E]
/*How much ink do you have; how long have you been playing? * /As of
this writing, I have 180 inkblots since late 2012. My inkwell has been
temporarily drier since that third kid showed up and forced me to trade
some of my late-night writing time for late-night sleeping time, but I
still play regularly. (In fact, Danielle got two inks today for magnet
slogans: Better Yuk Next Time and Punderachiever.)
/*What brought you to Loserdom? * /I found the Invite shortly after
moving here from Ohio and subscribing to the Post in 2010. I was
initially under the impression that people who got ink came up with
their hilarious ideas instantaneously after reading the contest
description and were able to formulate their thoughts into properly
scanning limericks at will, so it didn’t occur to me that I would ever
be able to enter. I finally jumped in the pool when I had a “lightning
bolt” thought hit me for Week 995’s Ask Backwards:
Answer: Wikipedia Jones. Question: Which neighbor does Encyclopedia
Brown find it impossible to keep up with?
That entry didn’t make it in, but one of the three or four others I sent
in with it did — online only. I REEEEEALLLLY wanted to see my name in
print, so I entered some more contests and the rest is history. (I’ve
since learned that people who get ink are ones who spend time writing
entries, but you’ll never convince me that some of the regulars can’t in
fact formulate their thoughts into properly scanning limericks at will.)
/*What are two favorite entries you’d like to share? * /One entry I
still know by heart was the second-place limerick in Week 1033 (Fa- words):
Shaping cookies like books? Oh what fun!
Call them “bookies,” and when they are done,
Eat ’em up…Drat! Or not!
Guess my oven’s too hot
Set at Fahrenheit 451.
My husband’s favorite entry of mine, which I wish he would quit quoting
to people in polite company, was an online-only honorable mention in
Week 1029 (song parodies describing movie plots), the only time I ever
entered a song parody contest.
/Movie: “Sally Hemings: An American Scandal”/ /
To “White Christmas” /
I’m dreaming of my black mistress
You know, the one I’m glad I own.
Oh, her soft lips glisten,
I can’t help kissin’
My dear Sal when we’re alone.
I’m dreaming of my black mistress;
Who says you can’t buy love outright?
May she be free (but just at night)
And may all our children pass for white.
/*What are some of your all-time favorite Invite entries from other
contestants? [This was Danielle’s own question]* /
For sheer virtuosity: Chris Doyle’s double dactyl from the letters of
JFK’s name:
Fiddledy diddledy
Johnny F. Kennedy
Hero at thirty-three,
Hat in the ring.
Idol, Lothario,
Egalitarian,
Rake or a leader?
Joker or king?
For still-laughing-out-loud-about-it factor: From the contest to dumb
down a literary passage:
John Donne: “Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
Loser Mike Ostapiej: “Ding dong. It’s for you.”
*What’s an example of something that confirms your Loserosity? *The most
Loserly thing I did for a contest was for Week 1039 (write something
using only the words from Hamlet’s soliloquy). I bought a package of
printable magnet paper and made my own set of magnetic poetry so I would
be able to manipulate the words without worrying about using a word too
many times or accidentally deleting any. I played with the words on a
cookie sheet all week. For my efforts I did not get any ink.
The most Loserly thing I did otherwise was to host the Flushies at my
house, including providing Doody Darts (turd-shaped things with Velcro
on them I won as a second-place prize) to be used as category selectors
for the trivia game. Ya know, like any good hostess.