Style Conversational Week 1150: So many ways to say I Lov-ish You The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over this week’s contest and results Invite phenom (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) mugs for the camera as this week’s Meet the Parentheses Q&A, below. (family photo) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 19, 2015 So many just-right slogans this week for our new set of Style Invitational Loser Magnets for honorable mentions — we clearly have enough workable ideas for years to come. In fact, Bob Staake sent me sketches for seven different slogans, and I could have happily gone with any of them. The new magnets are the latest in a Staake collection dating back to 2004 (see them all in my Week 1146 Style Conversational column), and as in most recent years, we have a horizontal and a vertical — just to challenge the Refrigerator Mosaic skills of Losers-in-Volume. A different company is printing them up for us this year — for a compelling reason: Shortly after the slogan contest was announced four weeks ago, an e-mail came to losers@washpost.com from a new person, a Julianne Weiner. It contained a few slogans, followed by a note from Julianne: She’s a longtime Invite fan, she said, and would love to have her company, Sonic Promotions of Gaithersburg, Md., print the next round of magnets for us. She’d even match whatever price we’d been paying. So sure — but I did tell Julianne I’d have to throw out her entries for this contest. (I never did look at them — for all I know, they duplicated the winners.) We just sent the designs to Julianne yesterday, so they probably won’t be delivered for two weeks. SO: If you are one of the 30-odd (or 30 odd) Losers who got ink this week, you may opt to wait for one of the new magnets (e-mail me before Tuesday at pat.myers@washpost.com with something obvious in the subject line). Otherwise I’ll send you one of our last“The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly Har-Har” magnets. In addition, I still have a stack of magnets from past years, and at least one extra of almost every design since 2004. If there’s a particular one you’d like rather than a current one (or rather than your “above-the-fold” prize), let me know. And for tax purposes, we have recently raised the monetary value of a Style Invitational Loser Magnet from 21 cents to $590,401. Because it is certainly worth more thanthis. It’s not just the fourth win for 150-time Loser Howard Walderman; it’s his second slogan to be used for a Magnet; Howard also did “Near-Do-Well” back in 2006-07. (He also was one of those who offered “My Cup Punneth Over” for the Loser Mug pictured in the photo above.) Howard just regifted me about 60 magnets from past years, but I figure that he’ll still want a “Jest Falling Short.” “Magnet Dum Laude,” meanwhile, wins Rob Cohen his 41st ink or so (Keeper of the Stats Elden Carnahan is touring Australia and New Zealand and might not have updated them for a couple of weeks); Kevin Dopart scores his 25,378th ink (or so it seems) with his better-for-locals “Dork Losing” (Washington’s Metrorail cars will close right on your arms, and so instead of preventing that, there’s a recorded warning). But it’s the first ink “above the fold,” and just the third overall, for Nancy Della Rovere. Welcome to the Losers’ Circle, Nancy. We’ve run several clever slogans even though they’re not actually good choices for magnets: One of my favorites from the 2001 contest was “Losing: My Religion,” by Mark Raffman; feel free to think what piece of blasphemy Bob would have drawn up for that one (don’t feel free to tell everyone). This year’s “Scratching My Jocular Itch” and an Indian-themed “Mini Haha” would not be something we’d run right above the Washington Post masthead. *What Doug Dug: * In addition to this week’s winner, ace copy editor Doug Norwood also especially liked Nan Reiner’s “I’m So-So Special,” Danielle Nowlin’s and Frank Mann’s “Better Yuk Next Time,” and George-Ann Rosenberg’s “Nearly Beloved.” *THE LOWER-THAN-LOWEST FORM OF WIT: THIS WEEK’S NEW CONTEST * And by that, I mean punning on someone’s name. But yea, verily, we will surely exalt it! Or at least get a few yuks out of it. Week 1150 is a straightforward contest, especially to readers familiar with the Invite’s long tradition of change-one-letter challlenges. While this contest may be the only change-a-letter restricted to people’s names, we did do a broader contest that included names way back in Week 19, in 1993. (Scroll down past the Week 22 contest tosee the results ,, which include “Hillary Rodham Clingon,” “George Tush” and”Arsenic Hall,”) There are also, no doubt, some people’s names sprinkled throughout our numerous generic change-a-letter contests. Fortunately, you all have many people’s names to choose from — and even if you accidentally use the same pun that’s already gotten ink, you’ll probably have a considerably different description. Dang — it occurred to me too late that I ought to have used Week 1150 for a contest with a Washington Post theme, given that — until Dec. 10 — our headquarters are at 1150 15th St. NW. Not a problem, though: We just have to hold on till Week 1301 (K St). Three years — hang in there. We had ink today for both Mark Raffman (of at least 270 blots of ink) and his wife, Claudia (of at least 2). But the Invite isn’t their only brush with WaPo immortality, I’ve learned: They were also both featured in a 1998 article as regular participants in an annual themed potluck/cooking contest; I wasn’t surprised that, for a dish required to “knock ’em dead,” Mark produced “Attack Dogs,” pigs-in-a-blanket with habenero jelly hidden inside the pastry dough. *MEET THE PARENTHESES: (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) * ** /Most Style Invitational Losers, including some of the best, started off with a blot of ink here and there as they entered a series of contests; some of them became more and more successful over the years as they caught on to what we’re looking for and hone their craft of Invite-writing. Then there’s Danielle Nowlin. Danielle got ink on her first try, three years ago this month; then some more a few weeks later, and within three months was getting big splashes of ink practically every week. And at the Losers’ own Flushies awards in the spring of 2014, Danielle inevitably ended up with the plaques for both Rookie of the Year and — as the youngest ever (age 32) — Loser of the Year. / /And that very day — just as we all were marveling at Danielle’s smarts — she said something that made us wonder if we’d been terribly mistaken. Danielle came up to me in the hotel banquet room, with husband Ryan as a witness (as was, unbeknownst to us, a future third Nowlin child), and said, “Next year, we could have the Flushies at our new house.” This past June, more than 50 of us enjoyed arguably the best Flushies ever (and there have been 20), and certainly the one with the friendliest atmosphere. / /As have our Meet the Parentheses volunteers of past weeks, Danielle followed a Q&A template I offered, with some alterations. / *Danielle Nowlin, age 34* */Where you live:/ * (Fairfax Station, Va.) most weeks. Occasionally in my credit line, the Empress sends me back to my previous home in (Woodbridge, Va.), where I started writing for the Invite. I left because (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) lives there and the town wasn’t big enough for the two of us. */Your Loser anagram:/ * My official Loser Anagram, or “Granola Smear,” in theLoser Stats is “Nailed Linen Owl,” though my name anagrams to lots of fun things (e.g., “Ill-Won Alien Den”). The best possible anagram of my name, however, was pointed out to me when I joined the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page: “All-New Online ID.” /*What do people who’ve never heard of the Invite know you as? * /In my house, people who have never heard of the Invite know me as Mommy. Actually two of them know me as Mommy and the third knows me as Dada, but he has a limited vocabulary. Before these little people showed up and started calling me names, I taught middle school band and orchestra in public school. I chose to be a music teacher because why teach roomfuls of middle school students when you can teach roomfuls of middle school students equipped with noisemakers? [One of the best moments of the Flushies was when Danielle picked up our Loseaphone, a “horn” that wasn’t much more than a plastic tube with a funnel on the end, and trumpeted out a fanfare. — The E] /*How much ink do you have; how long have you been playing? * /As of this writing, I have 180 inkblots since late 2012. My inkwell has been temporarily drier since that third kid showed up and forced me to trade some of my late-night writing time for late-night sleeping time, but I still play regularly. (In fact, Danielle got two inks today for magnet slogans: Better Yuk Next Time and Punderachiever.) /*What brought you to Loserdom? * /I found the Invite shortly after moving here from Ohio and subscribing to the Post in 2010. I was initially under the impression that people who got ink came up with their hilarious ideas instantaneously after reading the contest description and were able to formulate their thoughts into properly scanning limericks at will, so it didn’t occur to me that I would ever be able to enter. I finally jumped in the pool when I had a “lightning bolt” thought hit me for Week 995’s Ask Backwards: Answer: Wikipedia Jones. Question: Which neighbor does Encyclopedia Brown find it impossible to keep up with? That entry didn’t make it in, but one of the three or four others I sent in with it did — online only. I REEEEEALLLLY wanted to see my name in print, so I entered some more contests and the rest is history. (I’ve since learned that people who get ink are ones who spend time writing entries, but you’ll never convince me that some of the regulars can’t in fact formulate their thoughts into properly scanning limericks at will.) /*What are two favorite entries you’d like to share? * /One entry I still know by heart was the second-place limerick in Week 1033 (Fa- words): Shaping cookies like books? Oh what fun! Call them “bookies,” and when they are done, Eat ’em up…Drat! Or not! Guess my oven’s too hot Set at Fahrenheit 451. My husband’s favorite entry of mine, which I wish he would quit quoting to people in polite company, was an online-only honorable mention in Week 1029 (song parodies describing movie plots), the only time I ever entered a song parody contest. /Movie: “Sally Hemings: An American Scandal”/ / To “White Christmas” / I’m dreaming of my black mistress You know, the one I’m glad I own. Oh, her soft lips glisten, I can’t help kissin’ My dear Sal when we’re alone. I’m dreaming of my black mistress; Who says you can’t buy love outright? May she be free (but just at night) And may all our children pass for white. /*What are some of your all-time favorite Invite entries from other contestants? [This was Danielle’s own question]* / For sheer virtuosity: Chris Doyle’s double dactyl from the letters of JFK’s name: Fiddledy diddledy Johnny F. Kennedy Hero at thirty-three, Hat in the ring. Idol, Lothario, Egalitarian, Rake or a leader? Joker or king? For still-laughing-out-loud-about-it factor: From the contest to dumb down a literary passage: John Donne: “Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” Loser Mike Ostapiej: “Ding dong. It’s for you.” *What’s an example of something that confirms your Loserosity? *The most Loserly thing I did for a contest was for Week 1039 (write something using only the words from Hamlet’s soliloquy). I bought a package of printable magnet paper and made my own set of magnetic poetry so I would be able to manipulate the words without worrying about using a word too many times or accidentally deleting any. I played with the words on a cookie sheet all week. For my efforts I did not get any ink. The most Loserly thing I did otherwise was to host the Flushies at my house, including providing Doody Darts (turd-shaped things with Velcro on them I won as a second-place prize) to be used as category selectors for the trivia game. Ya know, like any good hostess.